Into the Heart of Madness

As I decided to book my flight last Thursday night to the Philippines (originally flying into Manila, now Cebu and hopefully on to Tacloban), I was calm. I wasn’t nervous, anxious or fearful. I was calm because the storm that had been raging within me for some time had finally started to simmer. The wheels inside that were grinding incessantly for months began to turn once again.

As I told people about my trip, there were many reactions. I had initially decided to keep this to myself – that’s what being strong is about, right? Doing things alone, on your own, not needing help from anyone at any time. I think at this point we both know that to be a modestly believable lie at best. The reactions to my news? Support/Acceptance (I know you need to do this, just be careful). Negotiation (why can’t you just help people here?). And of course Disbelief in the form of “You’re crazy.”

I’ve never been part of a relief effort nor have I been to a third world country. I am not medically trained aside from CPR and I don’t know the language. In all respects, I should have a healthy level of fear and anxiety. As I sit on the first leg of my flight which will layover in Seoul, Korea, I can say that I am still calm, collected, focused. I have never felt more sure of where I’m supposed to be than at this moment.

Madness, right?

Well I’m here to tell you that there’s a fine line between Greatness and Madness. And to follow your Dreams, you need a bit of both.

But the question still persists: The “Why?” variation. Why now? Why this? Why…(fill in the blank)? Here is my best attempt at answering that, but as someone once told me: either you get it or you don’t. That is not a reflection on anyone’s insight or intelligence. There are simply things in this world that cannot be explained, but only known through experience and an innate understanding that is often cheapened by the words we use to describe it. I’m going to try my damndest to not dilute its significance in the following paragraphs.

For those closest to me, my decision to do “this” may have come across as impulsive, but not surprising. For others, it may very well have seemed completely out of character and in total contradiction to the dashing, incredibly charming, and stunningly witty person that they have come to know and love. Fear not, for I am still me. But for some time I have hidden a part of myself for reasons of my own. In doing so, I have created distance between myself and many of those I care for, and for that I am truly sorry. I have no right to ask for your forgiveness; I can only hope for your understanding. Eventually you reach a point, often one not of your own choosing, when the pieces of who you are must converge, coupled with the fact that there are simply some things you cannot do from the cover of shadows. That time is now. Is it ever not?

My life has been torn apart before, the pieces of my world shattered. A few know the story. I call this time Darkness. But the Darkness itself, nor the details of my life, are important. What matters is what comes after. For I know that what can be lost can be found. What can be broken can be rebuilt. I’ve seen it. I’ve done it. And I know we’re all capable of it. What I learned from it was a simple, yet incomparable truth: in each and every moment of our lives, we have the power to make “it” better, to choose to become more than we were just seconds before.

Each. And. Every. Moment.

This is a belief that I hold onto with everything that I am, and I will not yield it – not for me, not for you, nor for any amount of Madness that the world may bring.

So as I sat watching the news over the past week, seeing the catastrophic effects of a typhoon that mankind has never before witnessed in recorded history, I saw the following words etched into the bottom thirds of the news broadcast: “…Worse Than Hell.”

To someone of at least moderate to average intelligence, this should have been a clear warning, an evident deterrent. For me, it was an invitation. It was an invite to quell the sadness and anger within me – deep-rooted emotions that up until this point could not be sated no matter how much gym or quiet time I logged. It’s a sadness and anger born of a single purpose that echoes throughout the corners of my soul: I will not live in a world where people suffer and I sit back and do nothing.

Will not. Cannot. Not any longer.

I once believed that the greatest tragedy in life was not knowing what to do next. I now understand that it is knowing what to do and not doing it. I have “slept” for far too long. It is time to awaken. There is work to be done.

Know that I do not tread lightly into the unknown. I have “trained” for many years – strengthening my beliefs, pushing my limits physically, clearing my head and understanding the depths of who I am, but more importantly who I so desperately desire to be. I take all of myself with me, and I carry, too, pieces of you. Though my second suitcase exceeded the 50lb limit at the airport, I travel light these days, thinking all the while that perhaps each of us could use a touch more Madness in our daily lives.

We live in a success-driven world, so might as well ask the question. What is success here? Let’s get down to it. I am fully aware that I may be able to do nothing of any value on this little excursion. It may be a “wasted” trip by all known measures of what we deem makes anything worthy. However, success for me is landing on the ground, taking the first step outside of the airport, and letting the rest be what it may or may not be. At some point the journey is out of your control. At that point, the journey becomes what it was intended to be. You have to let go. This is not something I’m particularly good at, but I am trying.

I don’t know if I’ll continue to do relief work in the future. My 501c3 application is currently pending at the IRS and hopefully will be approved by early next year. What I do know is that you don’t have to travel halfway around the world to give a damn. There is need all around us. We just have to have the compassion to open our eyes and the courage to act upon the call within.

So I now find myself sitting in the Seoul airport, traveling into the Heart of Madness so that I can stand amidst the chaos and say to the world – my world – with every fractured piece of my being:

I am here with you. I believe in you. I believe in us all.

All the best, my friends, wherever you are and whatever your life is at this moment.

Be safe and Dream well.

David